Of Life and Death
by luminoso estrella
Summary: Greg is suffering from depression after the death of his wife. Can his friends at the crime lab get their Greggo back?
1. Some die that deserve life

Disclaimer: CSI is not mine. Only the character of Kim is.

Plot Summary: Greg is suffering from depression after the death of his wife. Can his friends at the crime lab get their Greggo back? They hope to by reliving the memories of life when Kim was alive so as to remind Gregwhy life is worth living.

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Many that live deserve death. And some die that deserve life…Even the wise cannot see all ends. **J. R. R. Tolkien**

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Today I cannot help the morose thoughts from running rampant through my head. I've been sitting at the window for the last hour. First I watched that man walk free knowing he is guilty but unable to do anything since the rain washed away the evidence against him. That murderer got lucky that night. 

Luck has left my life.

A sad little smirk adorns my weary features as that same cursed rain begins to fall before my eyes.

I can't help but think of her in anger on days like these. I'm angry at her, at God, at me, at life, at death, at everything. After working especially bad cases I can't help but feel an intense hatred of the criminals I have to deal with, and so I hate all the fore mentioned that I am angry at.

The people that are put away because they have unmercifully taken an innocent life enrage and sicken me and I can't help but mope because life is not fair. I see the unremorseful bastards only sorry that they are caught, some cocky little runts not even sorry about that because they are proud – they think they were clever or strong because they beat upon another person and managed to end their life. I'm angry that they are able to live and play a twisted game of God, deciding who cannot live. God himself is cruel enough. He is twisted enough.

I'm angry and I cannot understand. How can people like that sick man live while my own angel dies?

I hate God for taking her away from me.

I hate her for leaving me.

I hate that death is such a prominent part of life.

I hate life and everything for going on regardless of my pain.

I hate me for feeling like this because I love her.

And she loved life.

And I loved life with her.

And all of this would upset her and I hated to see her upset.

So I still hate me, hate what I am like now.

I finally get up now and see Sara and Nick still haven't left the room. Sara looks like she's ready to cry and I wonder what I've missed while I've been so busy being angry. She forces a smile while Nick looks at me desolately. Her smile falters and the tears finally come. I'm completely at a loss. Nick wraps an arm around Sara's shoulders as she struggles to compose herself and speaks like he's soothing a baby.

"G, we're really worried about you man. We miss her too …but… we're living on with her in our hearts. You gotta do the same. You can't stay like this, in black clothes and a black mood. You've fallen apart and it's time you got yourself together. It's been over a year..."

"I know how long it's been!"

I know how long has passed since she was lead to rest, since I last held her, last kissed her, last heard her voice, her laugh, last felt her warm breath on my neck, her fingers through my hair, her soft body close to mine, her lips against mine.

It's been too long.

And yet not long enough. How can they dismiss her so easily? She's the love of my life, and I thought they saw her as a great friend. Did she really mean so little to them? How dare he say I have to live on in any other way that how I am? Its bad enough I have to at all without her.

I still wear black because I'm still grieving, because I still feel the pain like it was only yesterday. I have lost my angel, how can they expect me to just 'live on' as if nothing has happened, as if everything is fine. It is not.

They are both staring at me now. I can see pity in their eyes. I hate that. I don't want pity. I want her.

Sara has taken my hand now. Her touch is gentle but firm, like Kim's, and I long to feel that spark and flutter I always feel when Kim touches me. But I feel nothing but that longing.

They've lead me to Catherine's office. Since the team were reunited and moved to days Cath is no longer a supervisor but as Grissom's second in command she's kept her larger office. Grissom and Warrick are here with her now, signing off on paper work on their last case. They look at me with the same pity and concern as I'm pushed to sit.

Sara's still focusing on not crying so again it is Nick's voice I hear. But the words don't register. The others are all talking to Nick but I can't make out what is being said. The floor has captured the attention of my eyes. My mind is only on Kim.

Cool fingers graze under my chin and tilt my head up. Catherine smiles at me. Automatically I force a smile back. It causes Nick and Warrick to flinch and Sara to cry again. I used to think they liked my smile. I usually made them smile too. Kim said she loved my smile.

Catherine's finger strokes my cheek now.

"Oh Greg. You're getting worse. When you said you wanted to work again we thought it would help you deal and get you back from depression. But it hasn't. I think you need to talk to someone. You can't go on like this."

Finally someone has got it, got how I feel each night as I lie alone in our bed crying myself to sleep. I can't go on like this, without her, missing her so much it physically hurts.

I always talked to Kim about everything and anything. Well, I always talked a lot anyway, to everyone and anyone, but not since I haven't been able to talk to Kim. There's been nothing I've felt like saying, be it appropriate or inappropriate. It never bothered me which it was before, I'd just talk. Now I say the bare minimum. I prefer to relish in the silence. It's then I can hear the ghost of her voice. It's so faint I fear I'll lose that memory of that sound if I don't listen to it often enough.

I used to prefer the sounds of life. Only a few precious moments of silence were all that I enjoyed. Like the calm silence of the night when I would lie awake listening to Kim breathing, watching her in a beautiful sleep. She was always beautiful to me, but never more so than when I held her in my arms so close at night.

Now I hate the sounds of life because she's not hearing them too, not living anymore. She didn't deserve to die. She was so full of life. Now the silence keeps her memory close to me. But that's still not close enough. It doesn't really help. It doesn't make it better, but it's the only thing I have, as desperate an attempt as it is to keep Kim with me.

I watch the tear drops hitting the floor and slowly realise they are falling from my eyes. It's a strange realisation as I feel suddenly exposed. I've only cried in bed at night. Never like this.

With each drop I'm losing it all. The last sacred link to Kim is falling away. Now I don't even have my crying in the silent dark to have her close. How sad is that. That's all I had, and it's nothing. The tears are falling more violently now and then the torrent stops.

I wipe my eyes and look back up to my friends and suddenly feel utterly alone, like nothing I've ever felt before. She's gone. I thought I felt bad before, but now I feel nothing and its worse.

Catherine is smiling. Does she enjoy seeing other people cast adrift, suffering so badly each breath that keeps them alive hurts like hell and taunts them because it is doing just that - keeping them alive.

"That's a start Greg. None of us have seen you cry and grieve openly that way. We let you try and cope your own way. But you have to admit it hasn't worked. Let us help now. Talk to us Greg."

"I don't have anything to talk about. I don't have anything. I lost everything when I lost Kim."

I look at them, expecting to see sad expressions as I've just voiced my truest feelings that are the source of this depression. Instead they are all smiling. I've never realised they all enjoyed seeing people cast adrift…..

Grissom's voice breaks my train of thought. And I see them all taking a seat. They've set up a circle of chairs. They want a group therapy session?

Yes they do. Grissom speaks again.

"Greg? I said that's what we want to talk about. Kim. We'll talk about Kim."

I nod, surprising myself. I don't know if I can do this. I think about Kim all the time. But to put those thoughts into words and share those with people, even my closest friends – I just don't know if I can do it.

"What do you want me to say?"

I am fearful of the answer they will give. But they want to hear anything I want to say.

What do I want to say? I can't share with them our intimate moments. But every moment was so special and meaningful to me it was intimate. Would they understand that everything was so special, just being with her was special. Every moment was a lovely moment because I love her. They know that though. They won't accept that as all I have to say.

I sigh, and suddenly I feel no apprehension anymore. Since crying in front of them I've felt I've lost her again – totally this time. So maybe I do need to tell every moment I can think of and put words to, to get her back.

"Then I'll start at the beginning I guess. That first day I met Kim…"

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_TBC_


	2. Just walk beside me and be my friend

Disclaimer: As before and as shall be here after so I don't have to do this again.

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Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. **Albert Camus**

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_"Then I'll start at the beginning I guess. That first day I met Kim…"_

"I have to admit I couldn't have made a great first impression as it was about a week after Nick had been discharged from the hospital, after the kidnapping. You all remember how that affected all of us."

They all nod, but they glance uneasily at Nick. Maybe this isn't what I should be bringing up. It's not something anyone would want to remember. It had affected us all badly, obviously Nick most of all. But he's smiling as he nods too.

"Well it was after you had made the prison visit, and moved out of my place and back to yours Nick. I can't remember exactly what day it was, or what the weather was like. I know I just hadn't wanted to be home alone. I was out walking, feeling like a total wuss because there I was feeling claustrophobic in my flat and having to escape, struggling to cope, while you soldiered on Nick. I've always admired that about you. You're so understanding and kind, but not soft, not weak. You're really strong. You've been through so much, but you've kept this positive outlook on life. I've never been good at dealing with hardships."

I think that's a bit of an understatement. After the lab explosion I couldn't control my nerves. My hands always shook and it took a while for me to settle back in to work in the lab. But I had great support from my friends, the very people who sit before me now, and eventually I was able to cope, and the shaking stopped. I guess before the lab explosion I never really had to suffer 'hardships'. I lead a blessed life and was always able to be upbeat and enjoy life to the full.

Was this my punishment? Did I have to suffer now because I never really took life too seriously for so many years? I never struggled in school. I always had great fun, but didn't slack and got great grades as well. I went straight from college to work and even got to change career and move out into the field when I wanted to. I had it easy. I guess I couldn't have it all though. So my relationship with Kim had to be hard.

But she never had it easy. Why did it have to be taken out on her? She never deserved to have her life cut short. Why couldn't something else have happened to me? Why did I have to lose the best thing in my life? Why was my wife punished because I had sailed through life before? It's not like I never appreciated all I had. Hell, I worked hard to get where I am in my career. God knows I even had to work hard to get to that stage in my relationship with Kim where everything was just perfect.

So I didn't have massive struggles, sure I hadn't had my strength and character tested like Nick, but I didn't really sail through life. I had to work hard, and I never took life for granted, I just made sure I enjoyed it. God really is twisted. I still can't understand it. I had no reason to be punished. Kim sure as hell didn't. So why?

Why are there so many unanswered 'why's?

They are all staring at me and I realise I've went back into my own little world, my own little hell, where she's still gone and I'm all alone and nothing makes sense. That's not just my world. That's just the way the world is now.

"Where did you meet her? That day, you were out walking?"

I'm prompted to continue with my tale. They know where I met her though so the question irritates me. It's not as if I'm the only one who knew her, so why does it seem I'm the only one that cares, that remembers, that misses and grieves.

I'm not interested in playing this game anymore. Talking won't help. She'd be dramatically rolling her big blue eyes right now. Those eyes that would be sparkling with mirth as a wide smile would adorn her beautiful face. She'd think this game was silly too. Not really a game at all, just a waste of time. Like everything lately.

But I can't see that face. That beautiful face I admired daily. The one I'd memorised as I stared at all our photographs for hours on end for months after her death. I could describe it, every freckle, but I can no longer picture her and see her warmth shine through, the wonderful vision that appeared in my dreams very night and belonged to a dream come true is gone. I'm losing her all over again and I know I need to try and get the memories back. I need to do this. But it's just so hard.

I open my eyes unaware of when I'd closed them. It didn't make a difference. Darkness still surrounded me. I blink the room into focus, but I can't look directly at those around me. So I resume staring at my favourite spot on the floor and a voice I barely recognise as my own continues the tale.

"Well, on that day I was walking about and eventually wound up at the diner we occasionally went to for breakfast after a shift, as this was when we were just moved to days so it hadn't been too long since we'd last been there. It's been over a year since I've been there now. But anyway, I was just sitting in the corner booth when she came over to me. I was in a pretty foul mood I guess because I can't remember much about the day at all so I can only imagine I looked a mess. But she was beautiful.

I can't tell you what she wore. I can't tell you how her hair was styled. I can just tell you she lit up that booth with her smile and bright blue eyes. She did her job, but I don't know what I ordered. It wasn't until an hour or so had passed and her shift ended that she came back to me, asking if she could sit with me until her lift came. We just sat in silence for a while. I don't know how long, but it was comfortable – strangely comforting even. I'm sure she spoke first. And I enjoyed the first easy conversation since the whole drama occurred. It was just normal."

It was better than normal actually. Well looking back it was. I don't mean looking back now; even then – just after I'd left the diner when her lift arrived – I knew it had been special. It was only that night that I recalled every second in high spirits. The conversation had been plain, just the mundane topics of everyday things. But as I recalled it, it was her that I focused on. Her friendly, easy going manner attracted me to her.

I'd never really believed in love at first sight. If I was attracted to someone at first sight I'd take it as that, and I'd flirt and get to know them, take them on a date and then consider stronger feelings. It was no different with Kimberly the waitress. I found her attractive yes, but I took that only as a good sign I was finally coping well and moving on – getting back to normal.

So the next day I returned to work still in high spirits, getting back to the normal Greg. I even wore a patterned shirt, which seemed to please Hodges. Meeting her was the turning point for me dealing with the near loss of one of my best friends, just because she pulled me back into the real world that was going on without me as I just went about on autopilot. I don't think I ever told her about that though.

I wish I could tell her now.

I wish I could just talk to her at all. Tell her anything. Tell her I stumped my toe on the chest of drawers in the study again for the fifth morning in a row today when I went to get a book to read because I couldn't sleep, was cried out and couldn't stand to just lie in our bed. Alone.

They are staring again. I can't read the looks on their faces. Did I say that out loud? Do they think I'm crazy talking about wanting to tell my wife I stumped my toe?

Maybe I am crazy.

In fact I know I'm crazy.

I'm crazy about Kim. I'm going crazy missing Kim. I just want to be sitting in the corner booth with her right now. Until now I've never thought of my first meeting with Kim since our first date, because after that it never seemed important. It was the memories of me asking her out and then every moment after that which were dearer to me.

It's funny when you think about it. You don't realise the significance of some moments when they happen but looking back they are an essential part of something very important to you. Having just talked about my first encounter with Kim I realise that it alone isn't really a very exceptional memory. It could have just been anyone I talked to that helped me. But it's because of the later developments in our relationship that makes that day so special. Because she could have sat with someone else. Or someone else could have sat with me. And then I really would have lost out. I still could well have reached that turning point, but I would have missed out on two wonderful years. So that memory means the world to me because it is when my life was first blessed with my angel.

It just kills me that it was only two years.

Only I'm not dead yet. But she is.

I wish she wasn't dead.

I wish I was dead.

That could actually work. I could be with her again that way. I'm not carrying a gun right now, but I have one. It's at home right now in the dresser drawer.

Warrick clears his throat and draws my attention from my bedroom at home back to the room full of my friends. They'd understand wouldn't they?

They're all smiling. I think Catherine may have even chuckled a little. I knew they'd understand it's the best thing to do.

"You're a sly one man. I thought the first day you met her was like two weeks after that. Now I know why you were so adamant we had to have lunch at that diner. You were planning on asking her out all along and just used us."

Warrick's smiling, cool as ever, and I can't help but smile a little.

"I forgot about that. I never told you I'd talked to her before. But I hadn't been planning on asking her out. We just got talking again, and she was sweeter than I remembered when she said she was glad to see me happier than before. And she was really funny as she joked and flirted with me as much as I was flirting with her. It was a spur of the moment thing. I just knew that day that I wanted to see her again…and again. That was the day I became hooked on her."

'Hooked' is definitely the appropriate term. I wanted to spend time with her every day. I think I came on a bit too strong really at the start. She only wanted to be friends in the beginning. We'd hang out together, but it was never a 'date'. Once she told me that I was happy enough to be friends. I still wanted to spend as much time with her as I could but I didn't push her to take our relationship further. I respected her wishes. We were friends, first and foremost. But just as I didn't push her, I didn't hold back either when she began to see a future for us.

She was still sceptical, and worried about ruining our friendship. She wasn't as convinced of our compatibility as a couple as I was. And boy did she take some convincing to give us a shot as the start was a little rocky as adjustments had to be made. But she was worth it.

She was worth fighting for. I never once doubted us. I never thought of giving up.

I won't give up on her now.

She's worth dying for.

Sara's talking now. Making jokes about my lame chat up lines. They all laughing and joking. But the laughs become strained and they continually glance at me, wondering why I'm not joining in. I can't remember the sound of my laugh. But I hear Kim's now.

They all jump as I get to my feet. I definitely moved too quickly. My vision swims and I go limp as Warrick and Nick grab me and hold me up.

It only lasts a minute. They look hurt when I shrug them off and go to the door, so I can't leave it like this.

"Thank you, guys. This helped. I couldn't go on the way I was. I've realised that now. I've had enough. I've talked enough. Thank you for helping me decide that I need to take action and regain control of my life. You helped me hear Kim again. I know what I have to do."

I feel a huge weight is being lifted from me and my smile is sincere as I leave the crime lab and head home. The burden that has suppressed my spirit is floating from me, carried along with the voices of my friends who are filing out behind me as I make my departure. I've not been so eager to get home since she died. Now I can't get there fast enough.

I'm coming home to you Kim.

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_TBC_

_Please leave a review. Let me know if you like the idea and the style or not. All feedback welcomed. :)_


	3. Whatever you do Don't fall in love

Fall from a branch

Fall from above

But whatever you do

Don't fall in love

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_I'm coming home to you Kim._

This place doesn't feel like home anymore. It's a prison. And my friends are the wardens.

I'm beginning to worry about my new found obsession with floors. They can't help me escape from this stark reality. They won't replace Kim in my heart. So why is it that they hold my attention like this?

They've stopped trying to talk to me. I think they realised I don't hear what they are saying, I only hear the floors. That sounds so strange even in my head. I'm really worried I'm becoming obsessed with floors. But what I mean is I hear my friends' footsteps as they move around me and I know they're still here. I just can't take in what they're saying.

I didn't want to at first. When they came and took my gun from me I was too angry to listen to them. Now I just can't hear them. I was so close. I was going to see Kim again. Hear her and talk to her. Now all I hear is silence, the sound of being isolated. I'm cut of from her by the barrier between this life and whatever lies beyond. I'm also cut of from my friends and this world by my own grief.

I'm really beginning to lose my mind. It's like I'm having an out of body experience, because I'm aware that alls not right. But I'm powerless to do anything. I know I shouldn't feel this way. But I get so confused, my mind has a life of its own and wanders aimlessly from one train of thought to the next and I don't know what I'm doing.

I think I'm developing multiple personalities. Except they are all the same in that they solely consist of longing for Kim. Each just seems to be coming up with different ways to deal with the situation.

The 'me' that's turning to floors to try and help is really worrying me. It couldn't be drugs or alcohol. I have to go for floors. And they're everywhere!

I need help!

Grissom seems to agree.

I shouldn't have taken my eyes of the floor. Now he's sitting beside me. Urging me to talk. I'm too afraid. Afraid of how it remove all doubt that my attempt to end my futile existence failed. It'll prove I'm still here in this God-forsaken world.

But I'm also afraid of what words will come out when I speak. If they relate in any way to what I'm thinking I fear he'll see how crazy I've become and he'll leave. And I'll be left alone again.

I really don't like being left alone.

His touch makes me nearly jump out of my skin. But he doesn't stop gently wiping away my tears. This is a side of Grissom I've never seen before. I don't know if I really want to see it now. But I continue to cry and I don't push him away.

It's only when I close my eyes I feel a gentler touch. Unmistakably Kim's. And then I blink my eyes open and gasp in pain as his touch seems to burn. He pulls away immediately and sighs. In that short sound I hear him say 'I know. Nothing seems the same without her. Nothing seems as good.' And I see that understanding reflected in his eyes.

It brings a lot of comfort to know that he doesn't judge me and doesn't think any less of me because I'm struggling to cope without Kim. It has been over a year since she passed away but the pain hasn't eased. It's comforting that he respects that I never stopped loving her, so I can't stop missing her. The grief just won't dissipate.

Love shouldn't hurt like this.

Life would be so much easier if I didn't feel this love. If I didn't' feel anything. I can't help but wonder would she feel the same. I love her more than she loved me. I have always been sure of that because I am positive it is impossible for anyone to feel so strong a love as mine for her.

Yeah, I definitely fell big time when I fell for her. But I'm wrong to doubt that she loved me just as much.

And it's so wrong to ever think it would be better to not love, to not feel this or not feel anything. I was over the moon when I realised my attraction to Kim and our ensuing friendship had grown to love.

Falling in love was the best thing I ever did. Though the fall from the moon when it seemed she still wasn't on the same page made things a little difficult back then.

_

* * *

__I've been sitting in this corner booth for so long I think cobwebs are appearing around my head._

_Eww. Spiders. I am not afraid of them, but I don't share Grissom's enthusiasm for such creatures. He loves spiders and bugs – all creepy crawlies._

"_How much coffee have you had?"_

_How can such a gentle voice have such a strong effect on me? My insides tingle and I am sure people can see the warm glow emanating from me. I cringe inwardly as I know my sudden wide smile must look so cheesy and make me seem idiotic._

_She doesn't seem to notice. She may just be kindly ignoring the wreck I have immediately become though._

_Anyway, she's laughing as I explain my 'paranoid display' as she entered was just me looking for spiders. I think it's safer to say no more. Keep quiet and let her just think I could be an idiot, rather than continue my explanation and remove all doubt._

_Remaining quiet has benefits. I'd never thought about that much before, I love to talk. But I'm happy to remain quiet and listen to her joyful laughter. _

"_I should get the name and number of your salon. I really love the new do. It really suits you."_

_And it does. Her auburn locks are now just below chin level and the slight waves frame her face beautifully. _

_Her eyes shine and she can't suppress the smirk. I open my mouth and clutch my heart in mock shock and hurt. Then join in her laughter. She may have a point. I do change my hair a lot._

_My heart isn't hurt. It actually flutters because she complemented my current style. She likes me just the way I am now._

_I know she said as a joke. And it's quite corny. But I can't help my response to those words. I'm grinning like a maniac again._

_The conversation is flowing easily, as always. I've told her all about my day at work. Listened intently as she told me about her day. And I intensely wish I could tell that customer, who flirted with her using cheesy jokes that even I would waste breath on, to back off. Jealousy isn't pretty, and it sits uneasily with me as these thoughts come to mind. But I can't help feeling relieved when she dismisses his pathetic attempts._

_I knew she had great taste._

_I insist on paying for our dinner, and am surprised when she lets me without reminding me that it doesn't mean it's a date. It's only because she expects me to have gotten the message by now._

_But I choose to live in hope._

_I don't want to say goodbye. But standing at her car I feel it's inevitable. The evening's too good to waste and as I have the weekend off I don't need to be at home resting. So I try to sound as casual as possible and ask what plans she has._

_Apparently I didn't succeed. Why can't I control myself around her?_

"_Gregory Sanders! You just don't give up, do you?"_

_I swear her smile stops my heart. For that missed beat I can only shake my head._

"_Never do."_

"_Alright then. I'll put my evening in your hands. Lift me in about an hour; I've got to call in to Bella's for a bit first. I'll see ya soon."_

_As she gets into her car I can't stop myself from pushing my luck a little. I'm ecstatic that she didn't get angry. She knows how I feel, and she wants to spend the evening with me._

"_It's a date."_

_I have to tell myself to breathe. And thank God I'm smiling because I know my jaw just dropped and she returns a smile equally as wide as she pulls off._

_She assented! It's a date!_

_This is the seventh time I've asked her out. The first was a public put down in front of everyone from work – lab techs and CSIs – on our second meeting. The rest were more private as our friendship grew over the last seven months._

_It may have been sad. But it paid off. I never wanted to push her too far, but I couldn't give up on a chance of 'us' from the moment I knew I was falling in love with her. So I restricted myself to asking her out once a month. _

_And she has finally agreed to date me! People are staring. I don't care. I continue to laugh as I get in my car and drive off. I'm going to give her an evening to remember._

_My throat tightens and I can hear my heart pounding. I feel like a teenager again. I'm a nervous wreck as I take in every detail of her face, trying to gauge her reaction now I've pulled up outside my flat._

_I don't want to give her the wrong impression. I respect her far too much. But I just want to spend this evening alone with her. And I couldn't think of anything more private than a cosy night on the couch watching some movies._

_She's just staring up at my door with eyebrows raised. I'm not so cool as I practically beg her to trust me when I open her door and offer her my hand._

_She smiles politely. God I wish she'd say something._

_I'm fumbling with the lock and really think this was a bad idea. Her touch steadies me and as she steers my hand to turn the key all doubts are removed. Just to be with her. This will be a perfect evening._

_The movie has failed to capture my attention, and I'm thankful Kim isn't too enthralled either. So I didn't do well with choosing the movie, but at least it gives us a chance to talk and just enjoy each others company._

_My sides ache from laughing so hard. She continues to pout and I pull her close and hug her, still laughing. I shiver as her warm breath hits my neck._

"_I just prefer to drive the real thing. Computer games are lame."_

_Through my laughter I begin to tell her I'm never letting her drive me anywhere but I'm cut off as she pushes me away and I lay down on my back staring up at her through teary eyes. She scoots back and rests against the couch, throwing the game controller out of the way._

_She's still pouting and it's the cutest thing I've ever seen. Well, maybe it's second to watching her get so into the racing game she's rotating the controller like a steering wheel at every corner…No, that's the funniest cute thing I've ever seen. Her pout is just the cutest thing._

_She kicks at my legs to stop my latest bout of laughter. But I don't stop laughing, she actually joins in. An eternity could have passed as we stayed there, beside each other on my living room floor, lost in laughter._

_Just happy to be with each other._

_Too soon I find myself driving back to her place. She complements my manners when I walk her to her door. I cringe as my mouth ruins the moment before my brain kicks into action._

_She doesn't laugh at me for saying it was just to put off saying goodnight and ending our first date however. She just blushes. And that warms me from the inside out._

_I gently caress her cheek and move closer to her until I feel her breath on my face. I part my lips and move to kiss her but again my mouth has other ideas and the words are out before I know it._

"_I love you."_

_She steps back abruptly and I could kick myself right now. But she's hasn't broken eye contact and I'm madly searching her eyes to see how angry she is._

"_Don't fall in love, whatever you do. Isn't that what I told you? Greg, we're friends. This is just meant to be us having fun, a laugh together."_

_I remember that. That was her put down the fourth time I asked her out. I had been listing off things that could be done on a Wednesday we both had free. She hadn't been too bothered and told me I could do any of those things, whatever I wanted. She thought I was too eager when I said I didn't care so long as she'd just spend the day with me. She had said 'whatever you decide to do, just don't fall in love' and laughed. I played it cool then and said I just didn't want to be on my own, it would be boring with nothing to do. We ended up spending the day in the park with her sister Isabella and nephew Ryan. _

"_We can do that and be in love. Give me a chance Kim, give us a chance."_

_I think my heart might just explode its beating so fast. She steps back towards me and her touch to my cheek sends sparks soaring through my body._

"_You said you never give up. Don't lose that strength and determination. Just give me time Greg. I'm not great at this. But I care about you, you know that. Just give it time. We'll work it out."_

_She smiles, says goodnight and slips indoors._

_I whisper goodnight and float home. I'll give it time. I've waited this long. We've all the time in the world._

_I'm on cloud nine as I slip into bed and close my eyes to see her face._

* * *

I bolt upright, the echo of my voice taunting me as I hear her name resound throughout the house. The house is too big for me on my own. I feel so small here. And as is now the norm, I feel very much alone.

Sara appears beside me and I see Grissom following her through the bedroom doorway. Evidently they got first shift on the suicide watch. I shy away from Sara's touch and clutch my cheek, trying to preserve Kimberly's touch. It felt so real only moments ago.

But I know it was only a memory of years ago.

Grissom pulls up a chair and again I'm being pressed to talk. But I just want to sleep again. It's the first time I've longed for sleep, because it's the first time my dreams have seemed so real and I want to be back with her. In my dreams we are together again. 'We've all the time in the world'.

What a fool I was.

What a fool I am.

Her words to me resound loud and clear in my head now… '…never give up. Don't lose that….Just give it time. We'll work it out.'

"I won't give up."

I'm going to be with her again. I will find peace again. I'll float again; walk on air just because I'm with her.

"We won't either Greg. We'll work it out."

Grissom's words hit like a shot to the heart. I force myself to look into his eyes and I feel such a fool.

How could I have thought they would understand that ending my life is the best thing I could do? They don't think it's a good idea because it's not. Kimberly would agree with them.

I won't give up on my life. Kimberly never gave up on living life to the full, right up until the end of hers. How could I disrespect my wife by having such a disregard for life?

But how can I live life when I'm torn apart inside without her to keep me right. She would never have stood for this shit from me.

"Greg, I know you feel lost right now. You're confused and don't know what to do. Let us help. You don't have to work this out on your own. We'll help you find a way to come to terms with your loss and find a way to live on. It's been something we've all had to do."

I look at Sara and see for the first time that I am not the only one who cares, who misses and grieves. Sara mourned the loss of one of her closest friends when Kim died. I see it in her eyes that she still misses her too at times.

"All I've been able to think about for the past few months is how I miss her now she's gone. Before today I couldn't remember the good times we shared, she was gone from me completely. I only knew I'd never experience good times again. In my dream though, I got her back. I could see her, feel her – I relived a wonderful day in our life together. We were starting all over again."

"We'll help you get those lost memories back Greg. We'll help you remember the good times. Then you'll see that there will be more good times to come. Kimberly would want that. So get some more rest. We'll talk more tomorrow. I've signed you up for two weeks vacation. And I have sorted a rota for somebody to be with you each day. We're going to sort this out Greg. We won't have you suffering alone any more."

Grissom pushes me back down on the bed and they leave the room as I've closed my eyes before I can make a reply. I see Kim's face, her eyes bright with a smile to match.

"_You said you never give up. Don't lose that strength and determination. Just give me time Greg. I'm not great at this. But I care about you, you know that. Just give it time. We'll work it out."_

I won't give up. I'll find a way to change my depressing life around to make her proud. I know it's going to be tough. But the past sixteen months have been hell, so it's worth a try. Things can't get any worse. I can only pray they get better.

With my guardian angel before my eyes, I allow sleep to claim me again.

* * *

_TBC?_

_If anyone's reading this and is interested in reading more...review plz...:)_


	4. And all because You kissed me that night

I climbed the door

I opened the stairs

I said my pyjamas

I put on my prayers

I turned out the bed

I got into the light

And all because

You kissed me that night

* * *

_I won't give up._

The breakfast cereal is pushed towards me and Catherine sets to work cleaning the house while I'm meant to eat. I'm not hungry though. This heavy feeling in the pit in my stomach is not hunger. I'm not exactly sure what it is.

It's like worry.

It's like fear.

It's an emptiness food can not fill.

Last night I made a promise that I don't know if I can keep, and it's sitting uneasily with me.

I could see Kim before me as I fell asleep last night and I spoke to her. It's the first time I've spoken to her since the day of her funeral. She hadn't been around for me to talk to since then, so obviously I hadn't….I don't know if it's insane or not. At this stage I'm really too far gone to care.

I'm probably definitely insane.

I made her a promise to remember all the good times, like my friends suggested. I promised I'd never forget her like that again. I promised I wouldn't just focus on the loneliness I feel without her, but I'd think of her and our time together. And I promised I wouldn't throw away my career that we'd worked so hard for – it's our career after all the support she gave to me – by continuing on in this dejected lifestyle where all I do is feel bitterness for how life worked out. We were building a life together and we had such grand plans for each other and our life together, so I promised I'd make every effort to live life the way we wanted – the way she'd want for me.

I think it would have been easier if I actually promised her the moon, or our star. I know my friends will help me to get a new perspective on my grief, help me remember her for who she was to me and not just miss her for how she's no longer here with me. Maybe that will help me go on. But I just don't know if I have the courage to go on and live – dare I say 'happily' – without her.

I think that's why I put away all the photographs and every thing that reminded me of her. I would be doing an everyday task when I would see her picture, or one of the books she loved, or a CD she would always listen to, and a million and one memories, thoughts, wishes and dreams about her would hit me there and then. I literally collapsed to the floor in tears at least three times a day. Guilt-ridden because for a moment, while I was doing that everyday task, I hadn't been thinking of her.

I couldn't bear the thought that I had been living without her. That was about six months after her death. Since then I began to stop remembering our times together. I stopped dreaming. I just thought of how life couldn't go on without her.

So living the kind of life she wanted for us – full of happiness and love – is a dream out of reach. It's a promise I can't keep. I don't think I can manage to live and appreciate being alive while I remember her and miss her. I definitely can't live and appreciate being alive while forgetting all about her. I never want to forget about her. I doubt there's a happy medium.

"Try and eat something Greg."

Too late. I've chucked it away. Her concerned sigh and slight frown tells me I've been a naughty boy. It's clear Catherine's mothering instincts are kicking in. Will I have to stand in the naughty corner? Get a lecture about how mother knows best, and I should eat when she tells me? Both?

"What is it?"

Her eyebrows are arched. She's expecting an answer but I don't understand the question. She glances out into the hallway.

Oops. I was staring at the corner by the front door, where the coat stand used to be. A wedding gift. From a relative of hers. It was put away.

I don't think Catherine would like my suggestion that there would make as good a naughty corner as any. From there you could hear activity from all the rooms on the bottom floor. It would definitely add to the punishment when you could hear what you were missing out on.

Since when did I become such a tough disciplinarian? Kim always said I would spoil our children and she'd be the baddie that would try to force some rules. I had assured her that when the time came we'd compromise and support each other. It had been one of my more sensible moments. Though I had then added that if that didn't work she would just have to lighten up and join me and the kids.

I wouldn't have let our children run amuck and go completely off the rails. So maybe the 'disciplinarian Greg' shouldn't be such a surprise. But I've never allowed myself to think about what kind of father I'd be, or what kind of mother Kim would have been. Or what our child would have been like.

I know everything would have been great though. But that was all taken away.

I'm being pulled into a tight hug before I realise I'm crying. I've been doing too much of this in the last twenty-four hours. This is why I hid the memories.

"Tell me. What were you thinking about?"

I can only shake my head as sobs continue to wreck my body and I fall into the living room couch rather than take a seat. Catherine sits beside me and tightens her grip on my hand.

"Whatever it is, you can tell me. You can't let it eat you up inside. Share what you're feeling and thinking with me, and I'll do my best to help."

If only it were that easy. She can't help. I can't tell her. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to remember about it. I never had time to think about it before; I am not going to now. So I shake my head some more, hoping she gets the message and hoping I can shake the problem away.

* * *

I don't know how long has passed. But I'm waking up on the couch and Catherine is no longer here. An all-too-bright smile and all-too-kind Texan greets me instead. 

Catherine had to get home to Lindsey. So I've been out for some time if schools over already.

Before I've even straightened up properly Nick is plopped down beside me.

"Cath said you haven't been talking. Now I don't know what Griss told you, but my job here is to listen. So you better be in the mood for talking buddy."

I can't help but smile at his approach. That kinda makes me resent him though. I don't want to smile.

"I'm not in the mood, sorry. I…"

His groan stops me.

"This isn't something the old 'I've a headache' excuse is going to work for. I want us to both have headaches by the end, because you are going to have talked that much."

I smile again as he laughs. Dammit! I hate that he can always make me laugh or at least smile. I'm always relaxed and happy in his company, and I don't want that right now.

"G, do you remember when I was staying with you? For those first few nights I didn't want to be lying in bed alone in the dark, 'cause it was like being there again. Do you remember when we sat up in the pathetic excuse of a living room in your old apartment, just talking and joking, playing games or whatever? You were there for me, helping me when I needed company, to know I'm alive and not trapped in a box. And talking did help me. Let me try to do the same for you man."

The threat of tears in his eyes nearly sends me off again. I furiously blink back the tears and try to tell him I appreciate him being here, but today I can't take more crying. Incredibly he can understand my mumbling, when I couldn't even hear the words passing my lips. I thought only Kim had that gift.

"Let the tears fall if you need to. There's just me and you here now, and if I am able to put up with living with you – that is putting up with all you eccentric habits – I can put up with your tears. So just talk. About anything. I'm here for you."

I can't just think of something to talk about. I know he wants me to talk about Kim, but I've suppressed memories of her so well I can't think of a time we shared to talk about right now. He's waiting patiently though, giving me time. He'll just be there when I'm ready to talk about whatever. That's Nick.

I never cease to be amazed by the extent of Nick's compassion. His kindness knows no limits. A better friend you'll never find. Kimberly was charmed by him, smitten almost after spending one afternoon with him at my old apartment. She said he was such a lovely guy, and since then they were great friends. Really close, like brother and sister. Nick even gave her away at our wedding.

How could I have forgotten? How could I have thought Nick would have dismissed her because he wanted me to 'live on'? She really meant a lot to him. I even got a big brother speech from him before the wedding, at the stag do for God's sake.

"I've really been a selfish bastard. I'm sorry for ever doubting you guys grieved too."

Nick smiles ruefully as he hushes me and really throws my apology off. I'm meant to be sorry here, not him.

"Greg. That's not what I want to hear. Because that's irrelevant at this point in time. We know you've been so caught up in your heartache that you thought we must be heartless and not care about her. But that was because she was your wife, and as someone closer to her we knew you'd feel worse and we never thought we could intrude on your bereavement. We mourned together as her friends though. Everyone who is going to be spending the next couple of weeks with you have been through what we're here to help you through. We should have helped you sooner. But we mourned the loss of a friend selfishly, and only now are we rallying round to support a friend who mourned a greater loss. No one handled this well. It was such a shock, we didn't know what else to do. But we're here to make amends. So forget about that. You were entitled to go through those emotions and have those thoughts."

I'm hugging Nick before I know it. My mind is seriously working too slow, and is getting worse. I'm out of control. I've been acting rashly too much lately too. Acting rash without a notion of what I'm doing, and crying constantly - it's not a good state to be in.

At least Nick doesn't mind. He's smiling a full blown 'Stokes Smile'. It's a smile that nearly engulfs his whole face. Kim referred to that wide smile as the 'Stokes Smile'. It was always good to see the 'Stokes Smile'.

Nick's nodding and laughing at that. He remembers her favourite smiles were the 'Stokes Smile', 'Warrick Smirk' and 'Greggo Grin'. She said that they were the most beautiful smiles that always made her smile too because times were always blissful when those smiles were present.

"I'll never forget the day that our smiles were christened. She had come over early, straight after work, so you and Warrick were still there."

"What d'ya mean, still there – saying it like you didn't want us there."

"Funny. I mean that was the day of our first really official date, after we'd decided to give a relationship a go. She wasn't meant to be coming over to later, when you guys would have been gone.

Anyway, when we did get rid of the two of you, we'd been having a great time. She said hanging out with 'the guys' had really cheered her up after a crappy day and she said the day had been saved by the super smiles. That's what they are known as collectively."

The laughter that fills the room is a startling sound. I haven't laughed in so long, but my chuckles are heard along with Nick's hearty laugh.

"Well go on. What about this first official date. We set the mood good and proper, so how'd it go?"

"Utterly amazing. Need I say more?

We stayed at my place for a while. Continuing to enjoy the comfortable atmosphere you so kindly created."

"You're welcome."

"Yeah, thanks. Well dinner was at seven that evening. I took her to a fancy little restaurant. She looked absolutely delicious in a figure hugging purple number. I think the food was tasty as well. But she put it to shame really.

We had been planning on going out to a club after. But we weren't in the mood for dancing after the meal. Don't look at me like that! I mean we were too tired, after all the fun and games with you guys. So I just took her back to mine. Stop looking at me like that! What kinda guy do you think I am…don't answer…never mind. Look the woman married me; clearly she thought I was respectable.

Back at my place we just shared a bottle of wine and chatted. It was lovely though. We talked just as before, when we were just friends and it was uncomplicated. It was just so comfortable. It was near midnight when I called for a taxi to take her home. And when it arrived and tooted its horn I walked her down to the car park. See, I was the perfect gentleman."

Our first date had been fantastic. I had known that she was still hesitant. She had told me it would take time. I was happy to take it slow. Just so long as we were taking it somewhere I was content. The whole day had been as relaxed as any other. It was just as comfortable as when we hung out as friends, there was no tension in the atmosphere because it was going into new territory. We did the same things. Hanging out with the guys and sitting chatting. The only things different was the dinner in a fancy restaurant rather than the diner, and the kiss.

Oh, the kiss was bliss.

"What are you grinning like an idiot about now? Perfect gentleman? There's something you're not telling me. Spill."

I'm sure I'm blushing like a complete idiot now too. But what the hell, why not tell him? This is what they want. Me to talk about my relationship with Kim. Maybe telling them things like this too will help them see why good times just won't be a part of my future.

"If you must know, I was remembering our first kiss. Don't hold back on my account – laugh and tease me all you want. It's a wonderful memory I'm not ashamed to think about."

But he doesn't laugh or tease. I know he's sincere when he agrees it's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm just surprised he's willing to be this open and expose an even more sensitive side by listening to me talk about the first kiss, such a tender moment.

I'm surprised I'm willing to be this open and expose the sentimental, gushy, romantic side of me that found that kiss so dreamy. But my mouth is engaging in action again before I can chicken out. Damn mind still too slow.

"I had walked her down to the car park. We'd stopped at the bottom of the steps and were saying goodnight. I had been expecting that moment to be more awkward, but it was just perfect. Maybe because I didn't speak this time. She spoke. She thanked me for a wonderful time. Before I could even tell her it was my pleasure she was moving in closer to me and the look in her eyes told me clearly, in the nicest possible way, to just keep quiet.

I remember just staring into those blue eyes of hers as her lips brushed mine. I could feel her fingers running through my hair as her eyes fluttered closed and the kiss deepened. That brief moment – that breathtaking brief moment – of just having her kiss me was just… words can't describe what it felt like or what it means to me.

The kiss intensified as I closed my eyes and returned it with such passion. She pulled back after a couple of minutes and we just stood there smiling at each other, slowly coming back to earth 'cause that kiss was heavenly. We barely managed to utter a goodnight to each other, we didn't want to end the moment. But the taxi was waiting so I waved her off and went back inside in a state of euphoria.

I'm actually surprised I made to my bed in one piece. I was so high from the kiss I was tripping over myself and I actually walked into the wall on my first attempt to go through the bedroom door. But I felt no pain. I did it all with a smile, I was deliriously elated."

I know I'm beaming at the memory. I should maybe feel embarrassed at having just shared that with Nick. But he's not uncomfortable. He's touched I think. At least I hope. It would just be terrible if those silent tears are from held-in laughter. But no. That's not Nick. His eyes and slight smile tell me more than the words he cannot find the composure to share.

His reaches over and squeezes my shoulder.

"Greg, I know that was just the beginning of your relationship. So there's a thousand more magnificent moments like that. And it's helping, the sharing, right? So don't feel self-conscious. Share those moments. I'll listen."

"I know you will. But it's hard to get started sometimes. I'm thankful though, even if I'm being a jackass at times and giving you guys a hard time. It's just part of my character."

"Yeah, and we love you in spite of it!"

"Kim did too. You know not all moments were great. We had a bumpy ride at the start. It was only days later we had our first major argument. And it wasn't the last. The making up was always good though."

"Yeah, well let's keep it real. It wasn't always rosy, so we'll not just recall the good times. Tell me about that first argument."

"You just want to gloat about how Kim was right, I was wrong and you saw that and helped us sort it out when we argued just before New Years. Well I hate to break it to you, but that was our second argument. The first one was only days before…so when I say days later from that first kiss, I mean two days later."

* * *

_TBC_

_Thanks for the reviews. I'm maybe quite sad, but I love to see that I've got a review! I do appreciate all feedback, because I do want to write a good story and I know I have plenty of room for improvement. It's still nice to know my efforts are liked though. So thanks!_

_**Movielover03 **– You will find out how Kim died in future chapters. My intention with this is to give detailed accounts of moments in their life together in chronological order, through dreams or accounts from Greg (as in these last chapters) and possibly accounts from other characters. Although as it's told in a present perspective Greg's current thoughts may give clues to details of the story that could come up at any time. The fun I have is that in his grief-stricken state his thoughts are often random and so some things he talks about may be significant, others may not be. I just hope it's not hard to follow as a result._

_**LocoGreggo** – Yep, poor Greg. I know I've messed him up pretty badly. LOL._

_**Sanders Fan** – I'm glad you're interested in my story. I hope I have a good way with words. I try anyway. I often find words get away from me, but now we're making amends in our relationship. ;)_

_**CSICubsFan** – As I've said, you'll find out how Kim died in future chapters. I like the team altogether myself (still not appreciating the shift spilt fiasco – but I'll let bygones be bygones so long as Grissom gets his boys back). I'll even be including some of the techs in upcoming chapters. I've only briefly mentioned Hodges, but he along with others make more appearances. I like how friends can rally round to help, and Greg's the type of guy who I'd imagine would have many friends (at least I'd be his friend…LOL)._

_**Liz** – I'm glad you think the story is good. I like the quotes, obviously or I wouldn't use them, but I do love the little rhymes myself. Especially the one for this chapter. It's one of my favs. I hope you enjoy. :)_

_And if you liked this chapter, or didn't, you know what to do. Review!_


	5. You are doomed if you don't try

You may be disappointed if you fail, but you are doomed if you don't try. **Beverly Sills**

* * *

_So when I say days later from that first kiss, I mean two days later._

"Though perhaps the argument was beginning to build up from the very next afternoon. That doesn't sound too good when you think about it, does it? Just goes to show how tempestuous our relationship was. But I wouldn't have changed a thing. It is fitting really, seeing as we had so little time in the end. So everything had to happen so promptly. We always just went from one thing to the next, quite relentlessly.

Anyway, I think I must have come on too strong, even though she had made it crystal clear she wanted to take things slow. I mean I didn't mean to seem pushy or insensitive to her feelings. But after that kiss, which was like – bam! So intense – I felt like we'd really connected. I thought she felt as strongly as I did then. But she still needed more time.

That's OK to say now. It seems completely reasonable. But that afternoon when I went over to her apartment I wasn't thinking so clearly. I was still on a high, and my excitement was really annoying her. I annoyed her to the extent she cancelled our plans for that evening, her reason being she'd been working so hard she just wanted some rest. So she practically threw me out. Not literally though. I marched out when she said she wanted me to go.

I was so annoyed with myself and with her that I didn't call her for the rest of that day. Then the next day I worked a double so I didn't get a chance to call her, and was too tired to return her calls when I eventually got home. So that was the build up to the argument in a way. Still, I called her the next morning, two days after that kiss. But not calling hadn't gone down well and she was irate. She called me childish and all sorts for sulking because she had been tired, but would she listen when I tried to explain that my work had left me tired and that was why I hadn't talked to her the day before? Of course not! So the silly little spat ended with us both slamming the phones down.

I can't remember all that I did for the rest of the day; I just paced about the place. Eventually when I got hungry I realised that there was nothing in my cupboards to eat, since the plan had been to eat at hers that day, so in the end I went out to eat.

I can't even remember the name of the place I went to. It was just some random café off strip. I remember the cream coloured table cloths, and the red roses adorning each table top though. The dimmed lighting completed the romantic atmosphere, and as I entered I thought of how lovely it would have been to take Kim there. Then I thought my eyes were deceiving me as I saw her sitting at one of the tables. I wanted to dismiss it as a figment of my imagination, my mind playing tricks because I had just been thinking of her.

But when she looked over the man's shoulder and saw me, the look of shock in her eyes hit me hard and removed all doubt that I was imagining things. I was enraged as I stormed straight back out of there, thinking she had blown me off for some other guy. I ignored my ringing mobile and just set to work drowning my sorrows.

That didn't go down too well with Grissom as I arrived at work the next day with an almighty hang over. Luckily it was a slow day for crime and I was able to stay at the lab and do paper work for the first few hours, until I'd had enough coffee to feel slightly human again and was able to help out in the DNA lab.

I was in there when Sara got back from her case. I didn't realise Kim and Sara had become best friends so quickly. But they had really hit it off seven months previously when I first asked Kim out. I guess they had that in common –the experience of my constant flirting and borderline harassment looking for a date. Don't laugh; you're supposed to say I was never that bad!

Anyway, they actually had a lot in common and were really close. So of course I was in for an ear bashing for not returning Kim's calls. I feel so horrible as I remember how cruelly self-satisfied I felt when I was able to cut Sara off, telling her that her new best friend was a cheating two-timer. I feel awful having thought so poorly of Kim. But that's how it was at the time.

Sara didn't know what to believe. I was her friend and she wasn't happy that anyone would treat me like that. In the same regards, Kim was her friend and she didn't think this was something Kim would do. I could see then she was really torn, and now I am sorry to have put her through that. But when it was happening I was glad, in a sick and twisted way, that I wasn't the only one tormented by it all.

As you'd expect, Sidle got straight to work and set about investigating the matter. I just stared at her as she backed out of the lab, already ringing Kim. I was glad she went into the break room to talk to her; I didn't want to be around to hear any details of why this other guy was preferable to me. Shift was almost over and I couldn't wait to escape.

Stop laughing Nick. I know it's stupid to even think I could get away from Sar. When that woman's on a mission there's no stopping her. But I was just looking forward to getting home, and I thought she'd not want to have to get further involved. I'd almost made it man! I was right at my car when she collared me.

She just told me to go and talk to Kim. That was it. Nothing else was said before she was gone. That was worse than receiving a telling off and even worse than pitying consolation. I would have preferred to know where she stood – if she thought I was to blame, or if she knew Kim was stringing me along while seeing someone else. Instead I was driving home, confused as hell, wondering why she had just said I must talk to Kim about it.

Obviously that would have been the sensible thing to do, to get the mess cleared up straight away. But hindsight makes it seem obvious. When it happened I was so indignant I was not going to make the first move and call her, it seemed like a weak and stupid thing to do then. So I didn't talk to her.

It was only a couple of days later, on Christmas Eve would you believe, that there came a knock on my door and what a funny sight it was to behold when I opened the door and saw Sara and Kim standing there.

'_Ho ho ho. Merry Christmas to the both of you imbeciles. Get this sorted so we can all enjoy some Christmas cheer this year. I'm going in to work, as not everyone can have every day of the holiday season off. So I shall see you tomorrow for Christmas dinner Kimmy, maybe you too Greg. Here's hoping.'_

And with that Sara was off! Can you believe it? She's as mad as a hatter at times. I have to admit I'd never expected anything like that from her. But when it came to her friendship with Kim, or 'Kimmy', she was so different - in a good way, so long as I didn't put a toe out of line. It was great to see really. It made our friendship better too. She lightened up so much around us. You know how it's always good to see Sara smile."

As Nick is laughing heartily at the image of Santa Sidle I can't help but feel a pang of guilt. It is so good to see Sara smile, but all that I've been doing lately is making her cry. I drag everyone down.

"So, what did… you do then…with the present upon…your doorstep."

I'm trying to glower at Nick to make him stop laughing, but it's having the reverse affect and in the end I can't help but smile at the memory myself. In between his bursts of laughter he struggles to tell me to continue.

"Kim was standing there silent as we both watched Sara walk away. I muttered a weak 'ho ho ho' as I stepped back and let her inside. I hadn't even closed the door and I could hear her whimpering. She went to leave again, saying she was sorry but she couldn't do this – she'd never meant to hurt me but she had said before she wasn't good at letting people close…

I slammed the door before she reached it, stopping her excuses and keeping her in. I hadn't meant to slam it, just close it, but when it did close with a bang I just let it all out. I turned her round to face me and was practically spitting the words out as I asked her what the hell she meant, what was she sorry for, why couldn't she let me close, didn't she know she was hurting me by just walking away and leaving all these questions unanswered.

Then we were both crying and holding on to each other. It just happened so fast. Despite my anger I was holding her so close and not wanting to ever let go. And it just felt so right, us being there together, so we just stayed like that for a long time. The intensity of it all was shifting its effect from tears to passionate kisses.

Eventually we stopped, breathless, and I told her we really needed to talk. So we sat down on the couch, still keeping our arms wrapped round each other. And she explained that she had been at the restaurant with her brother, whom she hadn't seen in years, and it was just a bad coincidence he had shown up on that day because as usual he only caused trouble.

That was when she truly opened up to me for the first time. She told me all about her family and their rocky relationship. I hadn't known Isabella was the only family member Kim got along with, but since then it's become clear they are the only two who had their heads screwed on. It's no wonder they came to Las Vegas to start a new life away from their family.

You know from their absence at the wedding that she broke all ties with her family apart from Isabella shortly after New Year's. She considered her friends here her family, our family.

Anyhow, that morning was the first time I got to know anything about her background. And needless to say, some of it wasn't pretty. So I understood clearly then why she was so reluctant to get involved in a relationship. She was afraid of being hurt again, let down by someone she loved.

I assured her she could trust me and that I'd never abuse her trust or let her down in any way. I admired her strength to overcome all her past troubles and become the strong independent woman that was in my arms. But she didn't have to go through life alone. I'd be there for her. I told her I couldn't make promises about life always being easy from then on. There would be tough times, but we'd help each other through them. I did promise that I would always love her and would do all I could for her."

I just wish she was here with me now. I need her to help me through this. Tears are falling from my eyes again. I can't seem to fill this emptiness with the memory of our love. It's not enough to keep me going.

Nick's hand squeezes my shoulder again, and I know he wants me to keep trying.

"I know she never looked back from then on G. She never spoke of her family to any of us, save maybe Sara. She mentioned them to me only to say they wouldn't be at the wedding and she wanted me to give her away. By then I knew her well enough not to pry, and was just delighted about being given that honour. And I knew her well enough to know she loved you so much that you were her family, her life. You and everyone at the lab were her family. It's like that for so many of us Greg. You're part of our family. And Kim too. She'll always be remembered as a lost sister, whom we loved very much.

So go on."

"I know.

I got the best Christmas present ever then. She explained how Sara was fed up with her moping about the situation, because when I wouldn't answer or return her calls she was really upset that she had screwed things up. She said she'd really missed me. She had told Sara all this and that's why she'd eventually be dragged to my door.

Apparently as Sara had been her confidant for several months, she'd come to know all about her history and her apprehension of getting so heavily involved with me so quickly. Evidently though, Sara had given her great advice. She'd told her that there were no sure things in life, it could go any way. Sara doubted I'd intentionally hurt Kim, but she couldn't assure her we would last forever. No-one could tell how it would work out.

On hearing this I had to agree we didn't know what would happen. But I was so sure of my feelings and their strength and depth that I knew I'd love her forever. I would never let her down like others in the past. I remember her reassured laugh, as Sara had known I'd say that and told her so.

Sara had also told her that despite the chance of it all going pear-shaped, the risk was worth it. If she didn't give the relationship a try she'd only regret it. It wouldn't be all doom and gloom, she was sure. And Kim had acknowledged there was truth in that. We couldn't be sure how it would end, but we'd have good times so long as we gave it a try.

So, she said she wasn't going to let this slip by. She was ready to take our relationship seriously and admit how she felt without fear. She trusted me; she always had, but had just been afraid to trust herself because it was all so fast. Then she told me for the first time, but not the last, that she loved me."

Kim loved me. Hearing her say 'I love you' was the best sound in the world, and the feeling inside that accompanied it was unlike any other, it was pure joy and passion, an ecstasy that thrilled me to seventh heaven.

There is nothing I wouldn't give to hear her say those words again, to feel that way again.

It was true that from then on we didn't look back. Things continued to go quite fast, but that's how we had come to like it. We'd given ourselves completely to each other that Christmas Eve, completely committed ourselves to our love. And we were willing and able to face anything that came our way, because we were doing it together.

It just never occurred to me we'd ever have to face life alone again at some point. Maybe if it was later in life, I'd be more prepared, more accepting. But I doubt that.

We'd always found a way to deal with things together. I'd become accustomed to that. Now, I can't imagine I'm going to be able to find a way to deal without her by my side.

"Well, that makes the argument over which was the better version of 'Tainted Love' at the New Year's party seem tame alright…but then what doesn't eh?"

Nick's gentle laughter and warm smile are trying to comfort me, but the knowing look in Nick's eyes shows he knows that it's not that easy. I'm sure I'm making progress though. He doesn't seem so uncomfortable around me.

As the yawn quakes my body, I notice the extent of the darkening sky through the window and apologise for keeping Nick so late. It's a futile exercise though. He's shushing me again before I've finished and won't be hearing any of it.

It's not so late apparently. I guess he was prepared for the long haul. He gets up to prepare us a bite to eat before we go to sleep. He'll be staying until he has to go to work tomorrow. I wonder who'll be my therapist then. I wonder what I'll be able to share with them.

Kim loved everyone at the lab. If only she could see what they were doing now for me, for her. They were giving me the support that she would normally give. I have a feeling she'd be so pleased.

* * *

_TBC_

_I know this chapter took a long time in coming, I thought I'd never get a chance to finish it. But the next will be an even longer wait. I hope people are still enjoying the story and will continue to read it when I resume posting. Though with a heavy schedule of exams for the next few weeks to finally finish them off, and then (what I feel is) a well deserved holiday, I won't be updating probably until next month._

_Anyway, I'll still be around some evenings to read other fics and reviews so don't hesitate to leave one! ;) I'm shameless. LOL._

_**Liz **– I hope you consider this chapter up to standard. Thanks for the review. I do hope the emotional aspect isn't getting too monotonous, as I'm trying to set up how he's feeling at the moment before hopefully working in some twists to keep things interesting._


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